{"id":266,"date":"2015-08-15T10:36:22","date_gmt":"2015-08-15T17:36:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tidbitsandtantrums.com\/?p=266"},"modified":"2015-08-15T10:36:22","modified_gmt":"2015-08-15T17:36:22","slug":"blame-dan-sullivan","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.tidbitsandtantrums.com\/?p=266","title":{"rendered":"Blame Dan Sullivan"},"content":{"rendered":"

Every relationship has a beginning, middle and an end.<\/p>\n

It is reasonable to expect that most counselors and therapists will set up a scenario similar to this during your first appointment; \u201cLet\u2019s imagine that we are totally done working together. You look back and say, \u201cThis was the best investment of my time, energy and money\u201d. Tell me, what needs to happen during our\u00a0relationship in order for you to be able to say that?\u201d (\u201cThe Dan Sullivan Question<\/u>\u201d 2009). The response given by the client allows the mental health professional to determine where the client\/therapist relationship is headed, and if it is a \u201cgood fit\u201d to even pursue the relationship at all.<\/p>\n

For those of us in all kinds of interpersonal relationships that give reason to occasionally \u201creevaluate our circumstances\u201d, we might borrow Sullivan\u2019s words when we come to the end and say, \u201cThis relationship has played itself out. In the beginning, (it) was the best investment of my time, energy and money, but now, not so much<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Marriages can be stressful. Raising children can be stressful. Jobs can certainly be stressful. The question Sullivan asks remains the same in every instance: \u201cFor you, what needs to happen in order for you to say \u201cthis is the best decision I have ever made\u201d or to admit \u201cthis just isn\u2019t working for me\u201d?<\/p>\n

These crazy conundrums keep me up during the night thinking. Haven\u2019t you ever wondered why do some people stay in life-long friendships despite the miles and time lapse between them while others part as \u201cclose friends\u201d, never to hear from each other again? No really, how do marriages defy all odds to survive for decades when others evaporate before the ink on the marriage license is dry?\"Old<\/a><\/p>\n

This all comes from a good and peaceful place in my head and heart, no worries. A few weeks ago my husband and I celebrated a significant milestone, over forty-two years of marriage and five wonderful children. Our life\u00a0together has been\u00a0what most people can only dream about. \u00a0We travelled and worked around the world while raising our family in thirteen different countries and cultures, finally \u201csettling\u201d down in retirement to a somewhat satisfying existence\u2026unless you count being too far away from our grandchildren! Money-wise, we are no better off than we were when we first wed with an empty bank account, currently living retirement check to check like many of our generation. We count our wealth much differently than we did back then!<\/p>\n

Truth be told, we feel<\/u><\/strong> filthy, stinking rich!<\/em>\u00a0We both are still deeply in love and looking forward to the next forty-two years together, regardless of what challenges lie ahead. We\u2019ve learned over the years that we are stronger together, not apart<\/em>. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we are not \u201cfinished\u201d with this relationship just yet, this sacramental partnership, not by a long shot<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Imagine our delight that a few family and friends remembered our special day! It was wonderful<\/em> to exchange pleasantries with those who were still very close to us. Sadly, many of our long term peeps have moved away, some passed away and some just moved on, making it difficult to stay in touch regularly. Our catching up generally happens at Christmas time with the dreaded \u201cfamily letter\u201d (you know, two pages of dribble about the new job, old knee replacement, exceptionally smart grandbabies, etc\u2026). Happily, we managed to pick up where we left off<\/em> after twenty plus years as if the\u00a0in depth conversations began only twenty minutes ago!<\/p>\n

We also heard from a few individuals I never <\/em>expected to hear from. The conversations began with \u201cDo you remember who I am?\u201d or \u201cBet you didn\u2019t expect to hear from me!\u201d which was the truth. These individuals were once<\/em> close friends in a different time and place that became estranged for one reason or another.\u00a0Over the years\u00a0our contact\u00a0became \u201cone-sided\u201d, and\u00a0eventually relegated to acquaintance status when we modified our holiday card list (perhaps\u00a0exchanging holiday cards with a simple signature, but “no family letter for you!” status<\/em>).<\/p>\n

It was really nice to catch up with them after all these years, and the well-wishes were sincere, but hesitant feelings remained throughout the conversation. We were \u201cfamiliar strangers\u201d\u2026 guarded, totally superficial and polite, sharing only the bare minimum of family and personal information. It was \u201cuncomfortable\u201d, but in a good way, if that is at all possible.<\/p>\n

But the more I thought about it, it started to make perfect sense. Life is organic and relationships need to change\u2026or they will end. Those particular friendships that we lost contact with over the years played themselves out. Perhaps we were once thrown together for convenience, similarities, or even by our children but there was no fault or regrets attached to the \u201cbreakup\u201d. It was clear that we no longer shared those bonds that once brought us and held us together, but we do<\/em> still share a history, a residual fondness and mutual respect for one another. There is always hope for another kind of relationship in the future.<\/p>\n

It was the close friends and family we didn\u2019t<\/u><\/strong> hear from that was highlighted by the contacts we did<\/u><\/strong> have! <\/em>If the anniversary had come and gone with no one acknowledging it (as we half expected) we wouldn\u2019t have given the MIAs a thought. It turns out the glaring omissions stuck out like a sore thumb!<\/p>\n

When someone puts more into a relationship than the other\u2026well, it sucks<\/em>, doesn\u2019t it? Since we didn\u2019t expect to hear from anyone at all, the \u201cmissing\u201d contacts were only a passing irritation. Life happens. People forget or put less value<\/em> on a situation that means a lot to you. There were no hurt feelings or even disappointment, but it did get me thinking about Sullivan\u2019s question again<\/em>:<\/p>\n

I invest a lot of my time and energy into my relationships. Other than a death or geographical change (and obvious unhealthy or dangerous behaviors)<\/em>, what would cause me to end a relationship<\/em><\/strong>? What do I value most in any friendship<\/strong>? What do I personally bring to a relationship, socially or at work<\/strong><\/em>?\u00a0 Okay, now you try it;<\/p>\n

You say your job is really stressful; when you applied for your job, what were your expectations? Do you actively cultivate friends or merely accept colleagues as \u201cacquaintances\u201d in the office? Are you part of a team, or a lone worker? What needs to happen on any given day for you to be satisfied<\/em> with your employment? What needs to happen for you to say \u201cenough is enough<\/em>\u201d, and start the wheels in motion to move on to bigger and better things?<\/p>\n

These are tough, common sense questions that take honest personal reflection<\/em>, but maybe we should get into the habit of asking those important questions only if we truly desire meaningful relationships of any kind.<\/p>\n

Life must change and people must evolve to survive<\/strong>. Relationships must be \u201cwatered and fed\u201d to grow. When I don\u2019t like the honest answers I come up with, when I fail to take responsibility for my part of the \u201crelationship maintenance\u201d, I must then accept my fair share of the blame for the overall \u201csuckage<\/em>\u201d that results. That isn\u2019t a diagnostic term, but you know what I mean.<\/p>\n

A mind that never ceases to question can often cause endless sleepless nights, for sure.<\/p>\n

Pass the coffee, please.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Every relationship has a beginning, middle and an end. It is reasonable to expect that most counselors and therapists will set up a scenario similar to this during your first appointment; \u201cLet\u2019s imagine that we are totally done working together….
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