Rethinking Old Beliefs

I had a fantastic holiday (how about you?). We were surrounded by family and friends; we cooked together in a small kitchen, played games, laughed a lot and shared wonderful memories of past celebrations. Unfortunately, I gained ten pounds from the delicious food and desserts and caught a cold while delivering food boxes to others! But I did learn how to grow celery in a glass of water and I received twenty Christmas cards from the thirty I sent out (not a bad average). I am so excited for 2016 to unfold with all its challenges and surprises!

Imagine the abrupt return to reality this morning when I turned on the computer to find a “suggestion” from a colleague to write a “common sense blog about death”. No parameters, no limitations or specifics, just “death”. Happy New Year, folks!  

While I do understand the need to discuss death as much as we celebrate life, I admit the request kind of caught me off guard. The holidays can be really, really tough for some, no doubt. We don’t like to think (let alone discuss) about death for our own reasons. Memories of deceased loved ones tend to resurface when friends and families gather. Also, accidents will happen and sick patients will die regardless of the date on the calendar. Few people view death as a positive occurrence, concentrating only on the loss.

Death is the inevitable (common sense) ending of earthly life as we know it. With that in mind, this is indeed as good a topic as any to open a discussion of common sense in the New Year. (Thanks, Chris)

I am no Elizabeth-Kubler Ross, but I personally believe that death is as natural and “normal” as birth. As a midwife, I have had the privilege to be present at the birth of a child. As a nurse and hospice volunteer, I have had the honor to be present at the moment of death. Death is the great equalizer. A loss at any time in the life cycle is a monumental altering event for those who are left behind.

“Listen, I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better”. Joan RiversDEATH THREE

Mourning is the appropriate response to death with no reasonable or predictable time limit to feel sad. What is predictable (as survivors) is to feel the pain of the void of those that have passed on. We desperately cling to good memories to gain any crumb of comfort. For some of us, because the alternative is so unsettling and unacceptable, we focus on a “peaceful eternal resting place” for our loved ones that is free from sickness or harm. It is what we do as humans to cope. Often it is the best we can do under the circumstances.

But what if, in an attempt to avoid the personal pain of losing a loved one we prolong their life beyond natural means? As nurses, we see it every day. Without a proper “advance directive” on file, the unthinkable decision whether or not to pull the plug rests with the family. Would you be able to stop further treatment for someone you love who is terminal? If the answer is no, the question is why?

As luck would have it, my research on the internet began with an excellent article entitled “Denying Death as a Society” (allnurses.com) that views death and dying from a nursing perspective. The author suggests we aren’t doing anyone, including ourselves, any favor by denying a means to the end of terrible suffering and pain when patients exist solely by “extra-ordinary” medical interventions. Please read this article in its entirety if you have the time. You’ll be glad that you did.

“We say “Keep them alive, do everything possible, save them, don’t you dare let them die”. Thirty years ago these people would have been allowed to die with dignity, to have some peace after suffering so much, but now in today’s society we cannot allow death to occur. Many feel that we have to keep granny, or great uncle or mamma alive no matter what. Let me tell you something though. YOU ARE NOT DOING THEM A FAVOR!” (by Kyrshamarks, 1/7/2015)

Who actually “benefits” from prolonging a life riddled with pain and suffering? My personal beliefs about death and dying, like many of you, are faith-based. Despite mixed feelings about advanced directives or physician-assisted dying, most of us claim to be compassionate beings that would at least consider the possibility of a DNR (do not resuscitate) in terminal circumstances. Regardless of all the efforts afforded by medical science, the outcome for all of us remains much the same. We are born and eventually we die.Death

If we acknowledge our own spiritual nature, we can believe that this earth is not our final resting place. Perhaps our faith and religion also allows us to believe that life goes on in other ways such as in Heaven, or to nourish the earth with our decaying bodies. Some Indian tribes even believe we pass our spirit and personality onto a family member so that a part of us lives on forever!

In some instances of unexpected violence or self-imposed fatalities, the survivor’s very existence is shattered to the core. How could this happen? Why did she do this? Accidents of all kinds happen despite all precautions taken. The facts are that physical or mental agony can become so unbearable in a body or psyche already so damaged that death no longer holds any mystery or fear, but becomes a sought after welcome respite from the suffering and torture of daily life. We can certainly speculate why these things happen, but rarely can we know for sure. “It isn’t right”, and “It isn’t fair” are true statements for those of us left behind to pick up the pieces. We want to blame someone, anyone, even God. Our true healing begins when we accept what has happened. We then can give ourselves permission to let go of the fear and emptiness that keeps us from moving on.

Country Music stars “Joey+Rory” speak about their final weeks together:

“The holidays have been a roller-coaster for my bride (Joey). She’s had some good days, some bad days – some wonderful moments, and some deep pain that the morphine just couldn’t seem to touch. How could it… it wasn’t that kind of pain. They say that at Christmastime emotions run high, and you feel more than you do the rest of the year. I think that’s probably true. Though she managed a smile most of the time, Joey’s heart was heavy and she was feeling some things she hadn’t before. A sadness… A fear of the unknown… And even some anger – not at God, just at her situation I suppose. It’s not easy for her to be as excited about what the New Year holds in store as it was last year. But she says she’s seen the light, and she’s over that now. Read more: http://www.liftable.com/ryantofil/music-stars-joey-rory-open-up-about-the-harsh-reality-of-their-last-few-weeks/#ixzz3wiBotaps}

In my common sense world, the words “death” and “fear” are synonymous. If we fear death, we tend to live our lives in such a way to avoid any situation that hastens the possibility of death. Parents become over-protective of their children. Adults make “safe choices” so as not to get hurt (emotional death) or physically harmed. It is a good thing to develop healthy habits and show reasonable restraint for safety sake, but life is meant to be lived with gusto, not in fear!

Last year I invited a mortician from our local funeral home to speak to a group of friends. It was an odd “public speaker” to invite to this particular social group, trust me, but his visit turned out to be one of the best gatherings we’ve ever had. One or two ladies in the group had recently gone through a significant loss, and they remarked how compassionate and helpful this fellow was at such a vulnerable time. He went out of his way to make us feel comfortable and at ease. In a matter of minutes the questions were flowing without hesitation. He answered all of them directly, giving options and facts based on his experience in the business. Most funeral homes have public relations employees that are very knowledgeable about the legalities of death and dying in the state we reside, and very happy to speak to any group (or one on one) for free. Be brave, and give them a call. You’ll thank me.DEATH TWO

Our acceptance of death is a predicator in how we live our lives. Our personal opinions about our own death and dying reflect the decisions we make of how to enjoy a purposeful, meaningful existence. They also reflect how we accept the death of others. We should not limit our exposure to the outside world and new experiences fearing the inevitable outcome of a life well lived!

Start to talk about death and dying with someone you love and trust. Even children should be included in some parts of the discussion (death of pets, favorite relatives, etc…). It isn’t an easy topic to introduce, but it shouldn’t be morbid or negative, either. If you haven’t already, make a Will and Last Testament and record your final medical directives for loved ones when you are dying or gone. Common sense, don’t you think?

Today, January 9th, 2016, Rory stated (in his blog) that Joey’s pain medication has quadrupled in the last four days and that those painful conversations about the end have grown louder in recent days:

“Yesterday with tears in her eyes and mine, Joey held my hand and told me that she has been having serious talks with Jesus,” Joey continued. “She said she told him that if He’s ready to take her… she’s ready to come home.” 

Let’s make this coming year the “Year of Conquering All Your Fears”, at least most of them.  We can do it.  We can do it together.

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