Adversarial Parenting

“Another day, another fight.  Nothing is ever easy with kids in the house.  From the moment their eyes open in the morning (or rather after the screaming and cajooling to “get up and ready for school”), there’s the argument of “what you are allowed to wear out of the house” and “what you must eat before you leave the house”.  No matter how much is resolved the night before, there is always some kind of conflict before the day even begins.” (Caroline S.)

It has only been recently that Dad and I get along.  He was the disciplinarian while I was growing up.  He was the “bad cop” to Mom’s “good cop” and we all accepted it, but if Mom was angry, watch out!  There was no higher court to run to. I guess I was scared of Dad as a child, but he bugged the hell out of me even more when I was a teen, always critiquing everything I said and did.  I never felt good enough, you know? Today we enjoy a tentative relationship.  We certainly couldn’t be described as close. ” (David B-C.)

“I don’t ever remember Mom or Dad raising their voices to us. We kind of did what we wanted as long as we weren’t naughty or disrespectful. Back then it was referred to as “free range parenting”. It wasn’t until I started school that I realized that I was being forced to conform to the standard, and I didn’t really understand why.  Why couldn’t I use the bathroom whenever I needed to?  I found out early that I didn’t like people telling me what to do!. I still don’t. (Frederick G.)  different parenting

Ever notice that as soon as you announce you are pregnant or give birth a rush of well-meaning parenting advice and life-commentary flows your way?

It certainly is not mandatory that parenting become a  “we against them” adversarial relationship despite the admonition in a recent magazine article that insists  “…good parents will always be at odds with their children.”  I would hazard an educated guess that very few expectant parents nurture a desire to procreate to eventually become an enemy of their kids!  Experts in the field of raising children say it is the child’s “unwritten duty” to push back now and again to test your (the parent) resolve. It’s your responsibility to provide structure and to keep your cool when there is dissention in the ranks!

Good parents want what is best for their children, plain and simple. However, there are times when the voice of reason and experience must over-rule the “I want it, and I want it now” operating system of a developing child. The logic, experience and common sense of an adult  is crucial for the safety, nurturing and overall well-being of the child.  It also is a boon to the parent’s never ending quest for sanity!

We know that there are always exceptions. Mothers and fathers are forced and/or choose to work outside of the home to make ends meet or improve their standard of living.  Single parent homes are becoming the norm in many communities. Grandparents, babysitters, neighbors and older siblings (with different parenting styles) often fill in when parents aren’t around. “Consistency” and continuity is helpful in modeling and reinforcing proper behavior for your child, but it is not always easy (or possible) when personal priorities vacillate between what are “essentials” and what are “extras”. Food on the table and a roof over-head are not enough for most kids to develop into reasonable, well-adjusted adults.  Lets face it, parenting is damn hard work even under the best of circumstances!

I’ve taught Prenatal and Parenting Classes for over thirty years, but I readily admit I am no expert. One of the first and most frequently asked question expectant parents want to know is “What must I do to be the best mother/father to our child?

My advice to my clients tends to be very broad and purposely generic—there is no perfect, fool-proof parenting method that offers a 100% guarantee that your child will never misbehave and/or will grow up to become a model citizen. I find it to be true that despite all your best intentions, your children are going to screw up from time to time, and that’s a fact.  Its all part of the maturation and learning process.  Big “mistakes” and “monumental challenges” offer the best teaching and learning opportunities!

I remember  that in 1980, a gentleman by the name of Hugh La Follette wrote an essay that was published by the Princeton University Press that theoretically argued every state should require that all parents be licensed. Trained, “qualified” parents make the best parents, he reasoned. La Follette knew from the beginning that his words would not be acceptable to many, adding “I shall suggest that the reason many people object to licensing is that they think parents, particularly biological parents, own or have sovereignty over their children”.  

As absurd as it seems to even suggest such a thing as licensing parents, chew on this for a moment;  what other “job” or profession (such as parenting) of such great importance to the survival of mankind is allowed to go unregulated, uncertified or unequally monitored?. Every wacky parenting idea may indeed come imbedded with a thread of truth, but unfortunately, with this particular train of thought comes the idea that parents are to blame for the failures of their children (as if parental guilt didn’t already appear the moment the child is placed in your arms!).

I am adamantly against parent bashing!  Again, there are always exceptions, but I find that most parents work extremely hard at raising socially acceptable young’uns.  In most every instance, we do the very best we can. angry child

We can plant the seeds of acceptable behavior into their heads when they are young.  We can also mirror the same values and traits ourselves that we want our kids to espouse, but peer pressure will likely pick up where we leave off.  Do you curse in front of your child? Do you drink, smoke or call your spouse names when angry? You may not do any of  those things, but your child’s friends and class mate’s parents certainly have. Some parents allow their children to do (it seems) practically everything you do not want your kids to do. If I had a nickel for every time I heard my kids whining, “But everybody is doing it, so why can’t I? I’ll be the only one!” , I’d be rich, trust me!  

So, why are we talking about parenting again…and again…and again?  This particular topic came into to play most recently because one of my colleagues is writing a very interesting paper highlighting the meme concept of “Helicopter Parenting”, which is defined by the idea that a parent that pays uber close attention to a child’s problems and learning experiences while concentrating on perfecting their overall parenting skills (there’s that word “perfect” again!) may be actually doing a big disservice to the world. “Good Morning America” (ABC) aired a spot  (10/19/15) suggesting that the parents that “hover” over their children, those that are too over-protective, are ruining an entire generation of children, keeping them from becoming functional, independent adults!

The parents and parenting scholars that defend this parenting style argue that “If your child is drowning, you wouldn’t walk away and let them sink and possibly drown just to teach them a lesson, would you?.”  Hardly. Sounds like a poor defense for the method, but considering that your child will face many hardships and obstacles in their lives, wouldn’t it be best to “preempt” possible situations they may face by teaching them how to “swim” before they enter the water, rather than rescue them from every “storm” that comes their way? Common sense, right?

Are you a “liberal behaviorist”? It never fails to amaze me how terrified some parents are to discipline their children!  Allowing your child to exclusively learn from their mistakes without guidance (think, “anything goes” hippie era) rarely succeeds in providing a child with a sense of a secure environment. Using any failure as a teachable moment is a wonderful way to spark creative problem solving together!  They will most likely fail again and again before they succeed, but with your support, you’ve clearly valued their initial efforts and encouraged them to never give up!

Nobody likes to lose. The heated discussion in parenting circles these days stems from the idea of whether or not failure of any kind is an acceptable option for the psyche of children.  We certainly do not want our children to fail in any significant way, but perhaps we should allow it when the overall, long-lasting consequences are less than dire.  Allowing your child to know what it feels like to be disappointed, scared, hurt, angry, hungry, lonely, etc… despite their best efforts, might help them to develop the necessary skills to triumph over their perceived failures and losses, building their self-esteem rather than tearing it down (I am going under the assumption that you know I am not suggesting locking them in a closet until they learn what it feels like to be lonely!).

Along the same line, positive parenting and socialization of children should never imply that “everyone is always a winner”.  No one should expect kudos for doing what should be done in the first place without prompting.  Children should not learn to receive a trophy for “just showing up”. Exceptional efforts deserve extra-ordinary recognition, but even phenomenal achievements will go unnoticed and unrecognized at times . Often life just sucks no matter how brilliantly we prioritize or contribute efforts toward a worthy goal. The truth is that our kids are becoming  desensitized to a culture that embraces nothing but winners.

At the end of every parenting class session I frequently ask my clients, “What would you suggest to in-coming expectant parents was the most useful parenting advice you’ve learned?”  Here goes: minions2

Lead by example, reinforce good and desirable behavior immediately and love them without cause or reason.  Love them especially when they are the least loveable.

Teach them “The Golden Rule”, and never, ever tolerate hurtful behavior or discrimination of any kind toward another being.

Let them “borrow” your religion and faith until they come to an age and understanding to decide for themselves.  Instruct them in the way of the world while teaching them skills to overcome the unsavory, less desirable elements of the human condition.

Help them to develop a questioning intellect and conscience that will defy the loud voices of their peers and those in power over them. Make a clear distinctions between being “satisfied” with the cards they are dealt in life and “settling” for whatever is given because they wrongly assume that is all they deserve.

God doesn’t make mistakes, but people do. Show your children what forgiveness, compassion and trust look like so that they too, will recognize the most basic components of a life worth living.

 Good advice, don’t you think?  All life is neither good nor bad. Some days you will feel like a rotten parent, and some days you’ll be a rock star! You may never be your child’s best friend and close confident, but you don’t have to be their adversary to be a good parent, either.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”  Soren Kierkegaard

When you get to that place in your parenting journey when every little thing is a struggle, sometimes you just need to throw your hands up and admit defeat.
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Learn how to turn children’s moments of irrational behavior into lessons that teach them how to manage their emotions.
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