(Lest I be run out of town for calling attention to a few common complaints amongst church-goers, be aware that I consider participation a “privilege” of church membership. These are real complaints from pious people that attribute a degree of stress to membership at their individual churches. The gospel truth is, you can be a “Good Christian” and still avoid certain “over-whelming” aspects of denominational membership…no, really you can! Setting realistic participation limits (as you do in your everyday life) and adjusting your personal expectations to be more inclusive to others is your decision to make!)
I can only speak for myself, but moving to a new town is stressful enough, don’t you think? Finding a Church community that makes you feel welcome and comfortable sets the tone for satisfaction and success in this new environment. As humans, we need healthy relationships to be happy. Still, even the most desirable structured communities often include unreasonable expectations. For example:
“I have two children attending the (religious school) as well as being enrolled in Sunday School activities. Every parent that sends their child to the church sponsored school signs a document for membership in the (church) that requires “full participation” in all church and school activities. Church membership is important to us, and is a great way to meet new people and get the kids off to a great start.
Both my husband and I work full time jobs during the day. Five out of seven evenings of the week we are either at school activities or church events. Our new neighbors are those new parents from school or church we see regularly. Our “old” friends don’t understand why we don’t get together as often as we did before the move, and frankly, neither do I. My hubby is becoming resentful and makes up excuses to stay late at work so he doesn’t have to participate, which means I have to do all the carpooling and attendance requirements myself. We are thinking of changing churches just to have more time for other things.” (Denise W.)
I do understand what Denise is saying. The example below is yet another example, this time of me biting off more than I could chew.
In the late 1980s we had five young children between the ages of eight and fifteen when the decision was made to move lock, stock and barrel to an overseas assignment. We enrolled the kids in a wonderful English-speaking church school (note: different from our own religion) signing all the necessary documents with the expressed intent to be in “full fellowship” within both of our new communities.
Week One: MONDAY- Mother’s Prayer Group ; TUESDAY- Religious Training (AWANA) WEDNESDAY- “Lenten Soupers” (soup and bread fellowship during Lent); THURSDAY- Christian Prenatal Classes; FRIDAY-Marriage Encounter; SATURDAY-Family Fellowship Night; SUNDAY- Services.
Week Two: (Oh no, one of the Mothers found out I taught Religious Ed. for three years. They want me to teach the teen class on Tuesday!)
Week Three: (As a teacher, I have to set up a “parent’s meeting” that doesn’t interfere with a scheduled activity??!!)
Week Four: (Somehow I just got elected to Parish Council! When will I have time??)
Week Five: (Making enemies without trying by trying to free my commitment schedule— offered a great job, but how can I take it? I have no extra time at all.)
Week Six: (I don’t think I can keep up at this pace. How did I let this get out of hand?)
Just like your blood relatives, you don’t often get the opportunity to choose your Church Family. Even if you are born into a religion ( for example: a “Cradle Catholic”, a “Baby Baptist”, etc…), and choose to attend the local church you grew up in, from day one you are required to “find your place” within an established community of family of friends that already know the ropes and what is expected of them. While it is easy to become overwhelmed with all of the wonderful programs and activities that most churches offer, the key point is this: it is up to you to decide your level of participation.
Churches require participation and financial contributions from members to survive. Ministers often blame the lack of attendance and support to a change of “cultural reliance on formal religious doctrine”. I tend to think the explanation may be as simple as recognizing and acknowledging the nuances of any established group that depends on living, breathing growing individuals to survive. You can’t teach or witness the unconditional love of The Almighty if you can’t get and keep them in the pews!
Talk to your Spiritual Leader about your honest concerns. Ask for help, pray for guidance and be prepared to accept your limitations. If you find you are drowning in “good intentions” to the detriment of your mental/physical health or family cohesiveness, it is time to rethink your initial commitment to your present church community. Know that you are not alone in feeling this way.
It is clear that membership in some churches is declining as the result of a variety of reasons. Every religion has a set doctrine that members are obligated to follow to obtain and retain membership. Some churches have additional rules and regulations. Rules, especially in larger “communities”, are vital to achieve goals and avoid dissention in any congregation. No surprises there. “Participation exhaustion” (as discussed) is but one excuse members give for decline in church membership, especially for young, busy families.
It might not surprise you to know that “generational rigidness” and the absence of a welcoming environment are also a common complaint. Change can be painful—whether you are the “Nicky New Guy” or the oldest member of your church community. In fact, I recently spoke to a lovely lady that confided she was likely considered the “grouchy old bag” at her church based on the following situation:
“I have sat in this pew for so many years that I’ve lost count. I realize that there are no “assigned seats” at this church, but perhaps there should be! My sister’s church does that. It is nice to know that you have a place and/or will be missed if you aren’t there. It ruins my whole day if I am a little bit late and someone else takes my spot—especially if they are visitors. “Regulars” should know better and politely save my seat for me as I would do for them. I can’t see or hear well enough to read the song board if I sit further back. Elderly members of the congregation should have certain privileges!” (Hazel R.)
I understand what Hazel is saying, as well. We often take for granted (and feel possessive about) those things that have been the rule rather than the exception, even if we know in our hearts we are being unreasonable and unfair— another example of the “church related stress” we bring onto ourselves. The good news (no pun intended) is that it is a problem easily solved. Accepting limitations and making reasonable alterations within our own personal expectations encourages us to be open to new experiences and more welcoming to others. Common sense, don’t you think?
It breaks my heart to hear someone say that they don’t go to church because they don’t feel welcome or don’t have time. It is up to the church, regardless of the denomination, to make members feel integral to the success of the overall congregation. Likewise, it is essential that every individual take responsibility for placing limits on their own expectations as well as moderating the potential stress-causing expectations of others.
As my Grandmother used to say, “If you don’t want to sell cookies, don’t join the Girl Scouts“. Membership in a church community should never come down to that.