I’ve Got a Secret

secret

The very word ‘secrecy’ is repugnant in a free and open society.” – John F. Kennedy

What’s wrong with a little harmless secret? Why is it so important that we know everything about everything? Does it really make a difference to know all the facts, the details of the process, the wherewithal of mediocrity? What is it that makes us absolutely crazy when we find out that parts of a whole were deleted or withheld on purpose?

Everybody has and/or keeps a secret. Do you remember when you were a child and shared “secrets” with your best friend? Perhaps you really did have a secret, or you’d likely make something up to play along and be part of the group. You’d giggle and feel superior for a few wonderful minutes, realizing for the first time the power you possessed to hold attention—until the information was coaxed and pried from your very willing lips! Tell me, tell me, pleezzee?

Back then your secrets generally consisted of something positive like an piece of candy to share after school, a crush on a boy/girl from camp, or excitement over the puppy Dad said you could get when you learned to clean your room without prompting. Secrets were fun and generally harmless. By the time you reached Middle School the word “secrecy” took a nasty turn. Somewhere along the line we figured out that it felt powerful to know something that someone else didn’t know.

Depending on our peer influence at the time, while the rest of our life was subject to the drama of puberty and pimples, we found we could easily command control over an audience by sharing juicy tidbits of information about others (“Did you hear about Deb and Dan behind the bleachers after Homecoming?”). “Embellishment” evolved from inference and turned into the “white lie”, which, as we all know is completely harmless. (That was sarcasm, just in case you missed it).

Not telling meant you could be trusted to keep secrets and were considered loyal, a valued component of all friendships. The fact that the football quarterback cheated on his finals and KNEW that you saw his crime was clearly “none of your business” at the time (maybe he will ask you to the prom, you thought!)… until you found out that your score was lower, which then made it imperative to tell the teacher as it magically became “the principle of the matter” as well as “sweet revenge” (he asked the dumb cheerleader to prom instead, that creep!)

In an increasingly competitive world, adults assume and accept that some “secrets” can be used as leverage to get what we need or want. We parse the information we share to reveal the “best” info at the most advantageous moment to achieve the desired results, hopefully without severe repercussion toward ourselves.

“Patty” never gives out the secret ingredient to her Grandmother’s recipes. She admits only to her therapist that she withholds certain secrets about her cooking methods so that her culinary creations remain the family secret. Patty’s “special something” that makes or breaks the recipe will likely cause anger and frustration when someone else tries to replicate the meal. She may even lose a potential friend when they realize the recipe is missing integral ingredient. Most of her peers will likely find her less than trust-worthy for withholding the secret—but, that is about the extent of the damage her subterfuge will cause.

Doctors, nurses, priests and pastors, bank tellers, lawyers the CIA and anyone else that handles personal information is well versed on the legality of keeping confidential information a secret. There are severe punishments for breaking confidentiality laws. Such “secrets” are meant to protect us, not to set us up for failure like Patty’s incomplete recipe.

We also tend to harbor embarrassing secrets (real or perceived) about ourselves to avoid the negative consequence of our actions. When revealed, the unvarnished truth has the potential to damage reputations and destroy relationships beyond repair.top secret

When “John” applied for a pharmaceutical job, the requirements stipulated that he held at least a Master’s Degree. Although he is very gifted, talented with plenty of “OJT” experienced, John never finished his degree program. Several years later when it came time to publish exciting research on a new drug, John was “called out” for falsifying his education requirements. The end result was that the drug trial was never acknowledged or published. John subsequently lost his job— not because he wasn’t doing a magnificent job but because his “secret” cost the company millions of dollars in revenue and publicity.

Some horrendous “secrets” (like rape, incest, abuse, cheating, etc…) were NEVER meant to be kept hidden (fodder for another blog). Karma can be a bitch, and there is a special place in hell for “those” kinds of secrets.

The other day I spoke with a woman who was distraught at the prospect of losing her house just eight months after her husband died from complications of a stroke. The doctors thought “Jake” would recover completely, so it came as a complete shock when he just slipped away one night.

“Grace” had never learned to drive, write a check, or even pay a bill. Her husband always told her that “You don’t have to worry about such things, Dear. I’ll take care of you. That’s my job, after all.” When the bills would come in the mail, Grace put them in the drawer as instructed until Jake “felt better”. Obviously, Jake never got better. Several weeks ago, when it came time to pay the taxes on the house, Grace found out that during the two years Jake was ill, those taxes were in arrears. The bank was ready to seize and foreclose the property.

Some secrets are perpetuated out of a sense of duty. Jake wasn’t being malicious toward his beloved wife. He was being “secretive” because he felt it was his responsibility to take care of the finances as the bread-winner—very common behavior…and mistake, of older couples. Grace’s father did the same for her mother, so did her grandfather, great grandfather, etc… for their wives. Grace is now left to deal with Jake’s “secret” totally unprepared, without any experience or skills.

Politicians are experts at subterfuge, holding secrets and making promises they cannot or have no intention of keeping (Nancy Pelosi said “Pass the (Obamacare) law to find out what is in it”. President Obama said “You can keep your doctor”). Lobbyists do not have to disclose how much money they spend to influence public policy but, trust me, big bucks exchanges hands. Charities don’t tell you that only ten percent of your donation goes to the actual cause. Big businesses (“Read the fine print”) and corporations make desirable products that subsist on parts and extras only they provide and hold the patent for (for example, Keurig 2.0 can only use the newer more expensive K-cups with digital markings—which you find out after you purchase the product!).

That’s just the tip of the iceberg of offenses considering all the public leaders and institutions that seem to pervert secrets into the “repugnant” actions John Kennedy talked about.

One of my colleagues wrote a scathing blog that detailed how terribly upset he was over the horrific state of our economy and political system. He didn’t mince words, naming each and every well-known politician and CEO involved. He also didn’t refer to the details repeatedly hidden from the American people as “secrets”. In fact, he came right out and called them bald-faced LIES (God knows, we all hate to be lied to).

I fully support every written word of the blog. Only an idjit would think otherwise.

In our darkest moments, the Almighty holds the BEST kept secrets. When God does what God does, we often call His secrets a miracle that comes with hope and a clear promise of “this too shall pass”, especially when it seems that the entire world is going to Hell in a hand-basket.

If ever given a choice, I personally choose to hold onto the “concept of secrets” as something special, something positive. Even the word “surprise” used as a noun could be considered a well- kept secret.

“Patrick” found out he had testicular cancer six months after marrying the love of his life, “Beth”. Both in their thirties, obviously they were devastated with the diagnosis, especially as they wanted to begin a family right away. The surgery was successful with no positive nodes, Praise God, but it was determined that Patrick would be unable to father a child. Miraculously Beth found out she was pregnant the very day Patrick started chemotherapy.

That was ten years ago. The twins, “PJ” and “Sara” are celebrating their tenth birthday this week. Surprise kids! Happy Birthday from Auntie Dori! 

(Thanks for keeping my secret Beth.  The check is in the mail.)

 

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