“I am so pissed off! I spent thousands of dollars and ten years of my life to qualify for this job, but I am nowhere near where I should be in terms of advancement. Everything I attempt seems to fall flat or someone else takes the credit I deserve. My wife is fed up and constantly telling me to move on to something else, but what else is there? If I left this job what would I have left? I should just march up to the head office and tell the boss exactly what I think of him!”
Meet my friend “Fred”. I’ve known him for several years, both professionally and socially. By all accounts he is a really nice guy. He tends to be a bit melodramatic and over-reactive at times (aren’t we all?) but there was something telling in the words he chose to explain what piqued his ire that day. His reaction to the situation seemed way out of proportion by his use of generalities and superlatives (“Everything I attempt falls flat…”). Fred was throwing a temper tantrum!
The intensity of any of our emotions is linked to our feelings and perceptions. Our reaction may be provoked not only by the situation itself but by our reaction to what happened (which may not be based on actual fact). Fred may have been frustrated and angry that he was passed up for a promotion, and his wife might truly be tired of hearing him whine about it, but it is highly unlikely that with his education and skills he would be unable to find another position within or outside the company if he chose to resign his job. He is that good at what he does!
Thankfully, it didn’t take long for Fred to figure that out for himself. He later confided that he felt he was being taken for granted. The boss had chosen Fred to train several new (and younger) colleagues, who later were “promoted” to newly created positions that Fred perceived as “above” his pay and leadership level. It turns out that Fred wasn’t considered for the created positions because he was already being eyed for full partnership in the company, hence the responsibly to train the newer employees to spotlight his management abilities. Imagine what would have happened had he stormed into the boss’s office and began ranting like a lunatic!
Do we project our feelings and perceptions onto our situations or do our situations project them on to us? Regardless of our age, much of the negative narrative that influences our behavior is tied to real or imagined feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and disappointment either in our selves or in others. Think about it; the last time you were upset or angry, what really was bothering you? Whether we say it out loud or just in our head, most of us have experienced an emotional event that has activated our internal “voices”.
Yohan John, Phd., a postdoctoral Research Associate at Boston University is quoted as saying that the “question is more about metaphysics than neuroscience because scientists cannot directly address the question of what “being” is. If you ask “Is a person defined by his or her thoughts, feelings and perceptions?” then all the focus should be on what you mean by “is” and “defined by”.
Confused yet? Professor John also admits the question is better suited to a philosopher than a scientist!
Not everyone believes in “the voices”. When I was younger and was crabby when something didn’t go my way my grandmother used to say, “Eat an apple. Your blood sugar is low and you’ll feel better.” Maybe you’ve noticed that even the commercials these days tell you to eat a candy bar when you get cranky. There is good science behind low blood sugar and negative perceptions, but don’t forget that people also get cranky after a full meal. Some people are just plain cantankerous!
Buddha said, “What we think we become”. When we feel vulnerable (real or perceived) we are more apt to believe the negative voices in our head that otherwise would evoke skepticism from a rational perspective. When we feel secure the negativism lasts only a short while. This is particularly true if you have a reliable support system in place to call you out with love, humor or even sarcasm.
“Do you hear yourself, Fred? C’mon, you can’t be serious to believe they are all out to get you! You just had a bad day, Buddy. They’ll be other promotions and besides, with your exceptional personality you’d make a great Walmart greeter!”
If left to wallow in our negative perceptions and feelings, the overall effect can be emotionally crippling. Relationships can and do dissolve when one partner sees every disappointing event as a personal attack (“my career has ended!”). Remember Chicken Little? Who wants to hang around a whiner and drama queen?
Blowing off steam or venting your discontent in a safe environment with someone you trust is cathartic and healthy (even if that “person” is you standing in front of the mirror) and is obviously much better than allowing your self-talk to convince you that it is okay to storm into the bosses’ office! Fred had the presence of mind not to immediately act on his disappointment and anger, but to “talk it out” with someone he trusted to help put things into perspective. Self-talk serves a very important purpose.
“The devil made me do it” gets all the press as an excuse for bad behavior, but the negative voice in our head is also the factor that makes us feel pretty crappy about ourselves when we screw up (“Can’t you do anything right?”). The positive voices are there to lift us up when faced with challenges (“I can do this!”), help us choose right from wrong (conscience), form important values and principles, and acknowledge the good from the bad while supporting a healthy self-esteem.
Developing self-esteem begins early and continues throughout life. It is never too late to start over or improve our self-talk. A positive self-esteem is sustained and maintained by practicing self-improvement, self-forgiveness, and self-love. As we mature it is important to develop a voice that also provides opinions and possible consequences for our behavior based not only on what we do but how well we are doing it. It might seem difficult to change long-held perceptions about certain things and people (including perceptions about ourselves), but it does get easier, I promise.
Start by questioning the things you are saying about yourself:
“Is there actual hard evidence for what I am thinking? Do I value myself and my abilities to succeed despite such negativity? Am I in control of the outcome of this situation? Would I advise a friend in a similar situation to do what I intend to do? Is there a more positive way of looking at things?”
Again, the more you practice, the better you will get at it. Practice makes perfect, right? Sounds like common sense to me.
“We are injured and hurt emotionally, not so much by other people or what they say and don’t say, but by our own attitude and our own response”. Maxwell Maltz