Blame Dan Sullivan

Every relationship has a beginning, middle and an end.

It is reasonable to expect that most counselors and therapists will set up a scenario similar to this during your first appointment; “Let’s imagine that we are totally done working together. You look back and say, “This was the best investment of my time, energy and money”. Tell me, what needs to happen during our relationship in order for you to be able to say that?” (“The Dan Sullivan Question” 2009). The response given by the client allows the mental health professional to determine where the client/therapist relationship is headed, and if it is a “good fit” to even pursue the relationship at all.

For those of us in all kinds of interpersonal relationships that give reason to occasionally “reevaluate our circumstances”, we might borrow Sullivan’s words when we come to the end and say, “This relationship has played itself out. In the beginning, (it) was the best investment of my time, energy and money, but now, not so much.”

Marriages can be stressful. Raising children can be stressful. Jobs can certainly be stressful. The question Sullivan asks remains the same in every instance: “For you, what needs to happen in order for you to say “this is the best decision I have ever made” or to admit “this just isn’t working for me”?

These crazy conundrums keep me up during the night thinking. Haven’t you ever wondered why do some people stay in life-long friendships despite the miles and time lapse between them while others part as “close friends”, never to hear from each other again? No really, how do marriages defy all odds to survive for decades when others evaporate before the ink on the marriage license is dry?Old Friends

This all comes from a good and peaceful place in my head and heart, no worries. A few weeks ago my husband and I celebrated a significant milestone, over forty-two years of marriage and five wonderful children. Our life together has been what most people can only dream about.  We travelled and worked around the world while raising our family in thirteen different countries and cultures, finally “settling” down in retirement to a somewhat satisfying existence…unless you count being too far away from our grandchildren! Money-wise, we are no better off than we were when we first wed with an empty bank account, currently living retirement check to check like many of our generation. We count our wealth much differently than we did back then!

Truth be told, we feel filthy, stinking rich! We both are still deeply in love and looking forward to the next forty-two years together, regardless of what challenges lie ahead. We’ve learned over the years that we are stronger together, not apart. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we are not “finished” with this relationship just yet, this sacramental partnership, not by a long shot.

Imagine our delight that a few family and friends remembered our special day! It was wonderful to exchange pleasantries with those who were still very close to us. Sadly, many of our long term peeps have moved away, some passed away and some just moved on, making it difficult to stay in touch regularly. Our catching up generally happens at Christmas time with the dreaded “family letter” (you know, two pages of dribble about the new job, old knee replacement, exceptionally smart grandbabies, etc…). Happily, we managed to pick up where we left off after twenty plus years as if the in depth conversations began only twenty minutes ago!

We also heard from a few individuals I never expected to hear from. The conversations began with “Do you remember who I am?” or “Bet you didn’t expect to hear from me!” which was the truth. These individuals were once close friends in a different time and place that became estranged for one reason or another. Over the years our contact became “one-sided”, and eventually relegated to acquaintance status when we modified our holiday card list (perhaps exchanging holiday cards with a simple signature, but “no family letter for you!” status).

It was really nice to catch up with them after all these years, and the well-wishes were sincere, but hesitant feelings remained throughout the conversation. We were “familiar strangers”… guarded, totally superficial and polite, sharing only the bare minimum of family and personal information. It was “uncomfortable”, but in a good way, if that is at all possible.

But the more I thought about it, it started to make perfect sense. Life is organic and relationships need to change…or they will end. Those particular friendships that we lost contact with over the years played themselves out. Perhaps we were once thrown together for convenience, similarities, or even by our children but there was no fault or regrets attached to the “breakup”. It was clear that we no longer shared those bonds that once brought us and held us together, but we do still share a history, a residual fondness and mutual respect for one another. There is always hope for another kind of relationship in the future.

It was the close friends and family we didn’t hear from that was highlighted by the contacts we did have! If the anniversary had come and gone with no one acknowledging it (as we half expected) we wouldn’t have given the MIAs a thought. It turns out the glaring omissions stuck out like a sore thumb!

When someone puts more into a relationship than the other…well, it sucks, doesn’t it? Since we didn’t expect to hear from anyone at all, the “missing” contacts were only a passing irritation. Life happens. People forget or put less value on a situation that means a lot to you. There were no hurt feelings or even disappointment, but it did get me thinking about Sullivan’s question again:

I invest a lot of my time and energy into my relationships. Other than a death or geographical change (and obvious unhealthy or dangerous behaviors), what would cause me to end a relationship? What do I value most in any friendship? What do I personally bring to a relationship, socially or at work?  Okay, now you try it;

You say your job is really stressful; when you applied for your job, what were your expectations? Do you actively cultivate friends or merely accept colleagues as “acquaintances” in the office? Are you part of a team, or a lone worker? What needs to happen on any given day for you to be satisfied with your employment? What needs to happen for you to say “enough is enough”, and start the wheels in motion to move on to bigger and better things?

These are tough, common sense questions that take honest personal reflection, but maybe we should get into the habit of asking those important questions only if we truly desire meaningful relationships of any kind.

Life must change and people must evolve to survive. Relationships must be “watered and fed” to grow. When I don’t like the honest answers I come up with, when I fail to take responsibility for my part of the “relationship maintenance”, I must then accept my fair share of the blame for the overall “suckage” that results. That isn’t a diagnostic term, but you know what I mean.

A mind that never ceases to question can often cause endless sleepless nights, for sure.

Pass the coffee, please.

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