“I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I used to be a productive member of society, a worker that contributed not only to my community but to my family and friends by doing things that “matter” to me and the others. These days I can barely take care of my own personal needs without feeling the need to justify myself and every action I take. When I stick up for myself and expose what’s left of the “secure and confident me” to voice an opinion, nobody seems to want to listen… or care what I have to say. They all are much too concerned with their own ideas and what they want. Sometimes they will feign interest and encourage me to “give it a try”, but ultimately they will smile and end up doing what they wanted to do all along. I think I have lost my voice and I don’t know how to get it back again.” (a client)
It is fact that we are programmed by our personal choices and prior life experiences to view each new situation as either an opportunity to embrace a new way of thinking, or view these same events as yet another personal attack on our opinions and self. Face it kiddies, not everyone will agree with us one hundred percent of the time (no one is an expert in all things!).
Too often it seems we are not “allowed” to express ourselves, especially if we are young, inexperienced or in a situation of competing, strong personalities. When we are excluded from the conversation as if our opinions do not matter, we feel insecure, worthless and unappreciated by those whose opinion we value the most and/or from those we require approval from.
Let me put it another way: positivity, the art of seeing the glass half-full instead of half empty, gleaning the good from the perceived not-so-good, is learned and developed over the span of our lifetime. The degree to which we feel helpless and “lost” mostly depends on the situations we CAN control (that build up our self-esteem), but also how we respond to the things that are completely out of our control.
Like many of you, I’ve lost my voice many times. I first recognized the absence of my personal influence right after my mother died. I was ten years old and things changed dramatically, as you can imagine. Everybody wanted to do what was best for me, but no one was interested in what I wanted or thought. I was a child and understandably, I had a very small, inconsequential voice.
As a teenager, I fought to regain my voice to establish a sense of who I was and who I would become. Once again, I was too young to realize how harsh the reality of life could be at times. I operated in the “here and now” like most teens, modelling the behavior of my peers, making many mistakes before learning from them. I fashioned for myself a “limited voice”, an acceptable opinion that was tolerated when the overall consequences of my actions were not too harsh for me or anyone else.
When I became an adult, I fully realized the importance of having my own voice not primarily based on the voice of others. I chose a career path (nursing) that often “altered” my opinions and desires to meet the needs of those I cared for, but it also served to strengthen who I was deep down inside as a person. I gladly gave up my personal voice to learn from the expertise and opinions of others.
The same thing happened when I became a wife and mother. I allowed my voice to become altered so that I fit into the new roles, and although I had to learn how to be a good wife and mother, I had many good mentors that built up my confidence and competence that encouraged me that I was capable. The end result was that I became a much better “all-around” person with a much stronger voice. I also went back to school and made yet another career out of exerting my voice as a counselor.
“Losing one’s voice” implies to some that you have lost your identity or independence with the feeling that you have no ability to reassert yourself in a meaningful way to change things. This situation can certainly be a temporary challenge that suggests you may want to consider the need to realign and readjust your overall personal boundaries.
To compensate for what we felt we lost individually and as a family when we moved to thirteen different countries in just over thirty-six years, we forced ourselves to cultivate new ideas, new skills and develop new voices of “worldly stewardship” with every experience (good and bad). We also learned to make peace with our disappointments and “adjust” to strange societal differences, seeing with clearer eyes the plight and struggles of others… especially the opportunities we had initially devalued that some people will never have in their entire lifetime!
Then one day my hubby decided it was time for him to retire, which, because we were overseas at the time meant that I had to retire as well. Once again, I was forced to lose my new self-identity and my current job (which I absolutely loved!) and start over from scratch. Thankfully, by then I was somewhat of an expert in “reinventing and redefining”, flexible enough to welcome the daunting task ahead.
Still, I admit that each and every time I have been uprooted and “displaced” secondary to my husband’s career, I had become a bit more resentful, especially when I had no opportunity for input. No one likes to be forced to do anything! There are times however, that we actually need to show our displeasure or righteous anger in certain situations to gain respect and necessary attention!
When it became apparent that it was fiscally impossible for my hubby to retire completely, he chose to take on contract work that required him to travel for months at a time. I decided NOT to travel with him. He could have taken a contract that would allow me to work or volunteer in some capacity wherever he went, but I realized that I didn’t want to it, plain and simple. The children were married and starting families and careers of their own and I wanted to be there for them. It didn’t take me long to realize that I did, indeed, have a voice to express exactly what I wanted.
It was like a romantic “honeymoon” every time Hubby, truly my best friend, returned home! He continued to enjoy his career that paid the bills and made him feel competent for almost ten years. I found a peace and a place stateside that fulfilled and replenished my soul and allowed me to do what I love to do.
…and then, Hubby retired for good. No, really, this time it is official.
I sincerely Praise God with every single breath that he is finally home. I cherish everything we do as a couple that we were not able to do before when we both worked. Simple things like cooking together in the kitchen or taking long drives along the coast make me so very happy. I love waking up to him every morning! My work schedule is disrupted again, and I have precious little “personal alone time”, but it is a small price I am willing to pay. I would not change one moment of my life as it has unfolded over the years.
My experiences are specifically my own, but they serve to reinforce what I know to be true you can find the voice you “lost”, set boundaries and/or reinvent yourself to develop a newer voice!
It was Daniel Goleman in his book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than I.Q”, that introduced the concept of “emotional intelligence”, which is the ability to read other’s feelings, including your own, based on brain and behavioral research. The ability to manage your own emotions and those of others you influence is crucial in setting necessary boundaries, both personal and professional, to achieve what we want out of life.
NOTE: Occasionally we find we cannot navigate our disappointments and depression (as a result of life changes) on our own. Finding a good therapist to help you discover why you continue to feel “off balance” might also encourage you to finally understand why you are affected so strongly and so often (hypersensitive) to personal and social changes.
We all lose our voice. Obviously we never see the need to make alterations in our lives when things are going well, right? We get comfortable in our nooks and crannies that develop when we are tired of changing our behavior, expecting others to take THEIR turn at changing theirs! By the way, how’s that working out for you?
For my client, surrounding himself with “manipulators” and “users” was (what he thought) the nature of his business. That particular (negative) thought process contributed to his feeling unable to use his voice for fear of losing credibility with his associates. When his assumption didn’t pan out quite that way, strangely, he began to question his over-all skills to evaluate what was really going on.
Plain and simple, this guy lost his confidence; his voice to express what he felt/knew needed to be done, fearful to speak up in case he was wrong or perceived as pushy or disrespectful. This fear eventually spilled over into his personal life and other situations/relationships with people he cared about.
He readily agreed that he lacked the “emotional intelligence” skills to view these negative interactions because he placed greater importance on other’s opinions rather than his own. When he realized he was being taken for granted and becoming a “victim” to their manipulation (to get what they wanted from him), it was much easier for him to set reasonable boundaries for the necessary exchanges he had during business hours.
He also acknowledged that these associates were a constant source of frustration and stress, which was affecting his overall health. He came to the conclusion that he owed his associates nothing more than respect (business is business) and his professional acumen, and totally cut off all personal interactions outside of the office. There was a period of adjustment but in the end, he not only found his voice but his health improved dramatically.
It isn’t always easy to make changes, and I do become resentful at time when I feel forced, but this is a common sense approach that works to manage my emotions and maintain my own good health. I hope it will work for you, too.