In honor of Mother’s Day, here are just a few words to remind you (in case you forgot) that gifts given from the heart are the very best gifts of all.
Children especially, with the very of best intentions, want to give the “perfect gift” to Mom or Dad for holidays or special occasions. The end product of their efforts often falls short of the glossy picture in Pinterest or Etsy, but we claim to love it nonetheless, don’t we? The precious look on their sweet little faces as they hand you the tattered and wrinkled page they created makes it very easy to say, “Oh Sweetie, that’s the most beautiful gift I have ever received!” A gift in the hands of a child is certainly worth its weight in gold.
Funny thing is you really mean it! We aren’t lying to our children or giving them false encouragement by expressing joy, gratitude and appreciation of their efforts. We are merely thanking them for their thoughtfulness and encouraging them to be open to their many abilities, even when the finished product falls short of their own childish expectations. They know their gift is not perfect (“Your head really isn’t that big, Daddy”), but they sure are pleased that you think so.
You would never expect a Rembrandt from a child, nor would you expect an expensive gift from a stranger. Gifts come in all sorts of sizes and shapes, as does the intent behind them. We are taught to accept a gift “in the manner in which it was given”, with the same respect, appreciation and enthusiasm you would expect when you give a gift. As we grow older, we learn to be weary of anyone “bearing gifts”, as if the gesture itself comes with some kind of hidden expectation.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, of course. That grotesque crayon-created stick-figure person (that would be you) holding hands with a gargoyle child (self-portrait) walking through the park is a most beautiful piece of abstract art, destined to become your most prized possession and cherished memory! You don’t need to critique the gift or even understand it to accept it in the manner it was given. Trust me, your facial expression says it all.
Gestures of kindness, generosity and love often come when we least expect them. Some gifts, while not at all tangible, come in the form of the best learning experiences!
“Paige was three years old when she was “taken away” by social services and placed into foster care. This apparently was the beginning of a long period of instability in which she was cared for by well-meaning foster parents in seven different homes that did their very best to meet her needs. She was never mistreated in anyway, but (in her words) “no one went out of their way to make me feel loved”. Due to unforeseen events she was frequently moved from her temporary security in one foster home to yet another with the good intent of the state to provide her with the best care possible.
Growing up, Paige latched on to anyone who showed her kindness. She was almost twenty-four, a college grad with a busy career when she truly fell in love for the first time. She told me, “Honestly, I just wasn’t looking. I was so busy taking care of myself”. She entered into the marriage with no intent of ever having children (“We are both very career oriented and never really talked about it.”) In fact, she admitted her pregnancy was a surprise, the result from failed birth control.
When Paige called to invite me to be her midwife, she and her husband were separated and waiting for the final divorce papers to come through. “It was a romantic coupling, intense and a wonderful experience with no lack of love, believe me, but we were much too young, I guess” she offered to explain the separation. Paige confided once that although she was very,very sad that the marriage ended, she added that she almost expected it to fail because she never understood “the magic” that made marriage succeed in the first place.
I liked Paige instantly. She was a pleaser-type person, hospitable, independent and upbeat. She was fierce! There was a “peacefulness” and honesty about her that I instinctively knew boded well for her birth. I met the soon–to-be-divorced husband only a few weeks before the birth. I kinda liked him, too. He expressed an interest in being with Paige when she went into labor, but as her midwife (and because they were separated) Paige wanted to know if I would be comfortable with the arrangement. Based on my own experiences, I knew there was a likelihood of problems attached to such a potentially volatile situation, but both were insistent that they were better “life-friends” than life-partners”, so I had no objection.
Unlike many loving partners, Paige’s estranged hubby knew exactly what she needed and wanted without her saying a word. Their interaction during labor and birth was loving and respectful, and extremely comfortable as though they were newlyweds experiencing the joy of marriage for the first time (not getting a divorce!). There was plenty of kissing, hugging and tender touching similar to the actions that created this child, which I believe created the perfect environment for Paige’s baby (any child) to be born without incident. It was quite a scene!
After the beautiful birth, they both thanked each other profusely with loving words and sweet gestures for the wonderful gift that came from their brief union. It was amazing, almost uncomfortable to watch, as if I was spying on one of their most intimate moments. I learned more about “different relationships” in that short period of time with Paige and her ex than I have before or since. Gifts do indeed come in all colors, shapes and sizes…and circumstances!
Paige understood from a young age that good intentions often do not turnout the way they should or could, but that there is always the opportunity to glean something positive out of a (potentially) negative situation. She perceived from her early circumstances that “relationships were temporary”, but in most cases, served some kind of purpose. The marriage was entered into with good intent and much love. Her subsequent pregnancy at the end of their union was a shock, but a “welcomed one, a gift” (she said).
“We will always love each other, I suppose, but this baby insures that (hubby) will be a part of our lives regardless of what happens. I will always be thankful to him for helping me to realize that although situations change, it’s not “magic” but the effort we put into expressing love and respect for each other that makes our relationships last forever”.
We don’t always get what we want or deserve in life, but perhaps, we should always seek to find the good in everything (and everybody) we encounter. Good intentions are positive incentives to look at the broader picture beyond the actual “gift” (or event, or circumstance, etc…) itself. All relationships are gifts in one form or another.
What is born of pure loving intent has the potential to create even more love and understanding. We make the choice to grow and benefit from all our life experiences, good and bad. We promote the healthy development of a child’s self-esteem by encouraging their endeavors, regardless of the results. Personally, I will never paint any relationship I encounter with the same brush of expectation or cynicism as I was taught or experienced without due diligence, understanding and compassion. This mantra has served me well over the years.
…and that grotesque, indecipherable picture you received for Mother’s Day? Be assured there is one just like it found at the bottom of a trunk that once belonged to Picasso’s mother!