Happy Easter! In honor of Lent and Eastertide (the Holy Season of Hope, Renewal, Rebirth and spiritual gratitude), I’ve chosen to reflect on a common sense, “simplistic” approach to problem solving that used to be practiced as the rule, but now has become the exception. Perhaps like me, you are often over-whelmed by the horrible things that are happening in the world—it seems like the universe is going to hell in a handbasket (and not an Easter Basket!)!
While this may seem an odd topic for a holiday blog, please walk with me for a moment …
“Where are your manners?!”, my mother used to say, over and over and over again, for every little misbehavior or breaking of the rules. Even as young children, we knew exactly what Momma meant. Everything we did (or didn’t do), everything we said, boiled down to a matter of respect for others.
I know we get busy. Life is going great and we just forget. We are only human after all, and our memory lapses serve to keep us repentant and humble…until something happens that requires us to respond or seek divine intervention from the Almighty. As a counselor, I often meet “regular people” with the kind of problems that might have been avoided long before the situation escalated, if only they thought less of themselves and more of others before acting and/or responding.
I am a big proponent of teaching children acceptable behavioral limits before they struggle as adults to get along with others, problem solve peacefully, find their place in society with integrity. I understand and appreciate humanity. My motto is, if it is broken try to fix it, don’t just complain about it. The simplest solution is often the best, and although we (collectively) may not agree on the “best” way to go about reparation, doing something positive is usually better than doing nothing at all.
You’ve heard it said that the hardest words to say in the English language are “Thank you”, “Please” and “I’m sorry”— and yet, they are the most powerful sentiments in our vocabulary! Those specific phrases have potential to solve the world’s greatest problems and end wars before they even begin! When heartfelt and sincerely offered, the “magic words” that many of us learned as children offer a realistic balm to common (but critical) health issues that medicine or therapies (by themselves) have shown little lasting effect.
For example: “Thank you” conveys appreciation and gratitude to a perfect stranger in a universal language that we all can understand. In most cultures, “Please” identifies you as courteous and humble, a person without pretense or fear of losing face or stature. Saying “I’m sorry” immediately calms a broken spirit, defuses a volatile situation, shifts the blame and initiates the process of healing for egregious acts against another. It doesn’t matter how educated you are, or how much money you have in the bank, the fact is that respect and courtesy toward another is the “great equalizer” amongst human beings.
Children learn behavior they see modeled. Without a proper guideline to distinguish between right and wrong, aberrant behavior becomes the norm. Teaching basic etiquette is no longer viewed as a priority for parents and educators to pass on. In an entitlement society that values “things” over people and “principle” over right or wrong, what was once considered a necessary character-building exercise for youngsters is now regarded as weakness to exploit. These days, basic politeness between a man and a woman is often confused as flirting!
Instead of reinforcing acceptable behavior already learned at home, teachers are now being trained to subdue combative youths in their classrooms because the students are not taught to respect adult authority. Parents spend more time building a friendship with their child than setting reasonable limits. They fail to hold their children accountable for disrespectful behavior and blatant crimes, providing excuses and/or alibis for the juvenile offenders as a means to assuage their own embarrassment and guilt for the lack of discipline and guidance in the home.
When parents abdicate their parental responsibility to teach and reinforce parameters for behavior (for whatever reason) without providing a “reasonable alternative” such as spiritual training, community service opportunities and scouting, etc…, our schools and neighborhoods become a breeding ground for young minds to fall prey to the ideas and actions of the “darker side” of humanity. Negative attention is considered better than no attention at all. Bad ideas seem reasonable when no other alternatives are offered.
Don’t believe me? Read a newspaper, click on the internet or just listen to the news! There are thousands of communities in the United States with “feral children” walking the streets, doing what they want whenever they want, by any manner they can (and the adults are afraid to challenge the kids for fear of their lives!).
Even in our affluent societies, when parents are too busy with their own lives, amassing their fortunes and carving out their personal legacies, “parenting” translates into giving the child what you want them to have, but not necessarily everything they need. When our children see respected public figures (professional sports heroes, Hollywood actors, rich politicians, etc…) found guilty of reprehensible, immoral and unlawful actions (literally) getting away with murder, what kind of message does that send? The fact that we, as adults, continue to openly excuse such behavior, exalt the famous with public rewards and ridiculous salaries and accept that “all politicians are criminals” , electing them into high office to govern over others— what does that say about us as a nation?
Linda Williams, founder of “Etiquette for Life” and expert in the field of etiquette, was featured in the January 2004 Newsday article “The Rude ‘Tude”, which focused on the need for schools (a reasonable alternative to parental influence) to become more involved in teaching manners and good behavior to children, ultimately helping them become more successful in every aspect of life. When asked what are the top five etiquette skills children need to know Ms. Williams responded:
“Appropriate and inappropriate behavior in public, respect for self and others, proper introduction skills, how to handle conflicts, and basic table manners.”
That was over ten years ago.
Therese Oneill, journalist and contributor to The Atlantic and The Salem Weekly, penned an article in “The Weekly” in 2014 entitled “Eleven Lessons Every Good Parent Should Teach Their Kid”. Oneill queried professionals and adults in leadership roles that work with children about “what the most valuable skill parents could instill in their children”, and the number one response was:
“Respect is the root of all good things. If there is basic human respect, so many other good character traits follow suit. Respect for authority also shows obedience. Respect for others covers kindness. Respect for oneself shows self-control and self-worth. Things like teasing and bullying happen in the absence of respect. Back talk, disobedience, laziness, same thing, they just don’t exist where respect is found. Cleanliness, follow-through, and determination also are the product of respect.”
Now let’s fast forward to 2015. The opinions below are representative of actual conversations or comments shared by colleagues from their recent files:
“Why should I thank God, or the Mother Earth, or some magical, mystical phantom accepted by the unintelligent if I don’t believe they actually exist? Religion is for lazy people. How can I respect someone who believes in such nonsense? Doesn’t that make me just as bad as they are if I feed their fantasies?”
“I shouldn’t have to thank my parents for doing their job…or anyone else, for that matter. They do what they are paid to do. If I am paying good money for a service and forget a “please” or “thank you”, what’s the big deal? I won’t apologize for the way I feel. Sure, I guess it’s nice to be thanked when I do something for someone, but people only do it because it is expected, not because they mean it.”
“Nobody does something for someone else anymore without wanting something in return. I can’t afford to waste my time and money helping people when nobody bothers to help me when I need it. It isn’t fair. Times have changed, and I’m not my brother’s keeper any more than he is mine. Everybody is out for themselves.”
There is still a huge “disconnect” somewhere in the process when reasonable people in a position to make significant changes in the world are not getting the message or responding appropriately to problems with simple, common sense life skills. It’s not always about religion, political correctness, culture or personal entitlements. Manners are taught, and we as parents and society as a whole, need to “do better” for the sake of our children, as well as for ourselves.
You may not consider yourself a “religious person”, but your willingness to exercise respect in the face of doubt, disbelief and misunderstanding, challenges you to seek a “better way” to live your life, develop an open mind, and to rethink your current operating system, especially if it is not currently working for you. You are also apt to be more inclusive, less ethno-centric, and “hasty” in your decision making. Focusing on the other person rather than just yourself puts things into a better prospective. Children must begin to see more adults behaving appropriately to better understand an ever-changing world with constant contradictions.
There is no such thing as “perfect parents”. My own five little angels were hardly that growing up! There wasn’t a moment that I didn’t lament over a lack of time, money or opportunity to do more or better for my children, thoroughly convinced that I had messed them up for life. We tried to provide a clear, consistent guideline for acceptable behavior (the basic concept of “accountability for (their) actions”), that was applicable regardless of the age of the child.
If they screwed up (which all kids do) there was always a consequence and lesson to be learned. There was never an acceptable excuse to “hurt another person with your words or hands” (they were permitted to defend themselves, of course). If you disrespected your teacher or another adult, you would be required to apologize directly, face to face, and offer reparation for your actions (mow the lawn; walk the dog, babysit for free, etc…). If you misbehaved in public, you found yourself “on restriction” stuck in the house for a period of time, which was really more of a punishment for us than them, trust me!
Having a mother who studied psychology wasn’t a treat for our children, either. I never spanked my kids, but the “dreaded lecture” (complete with charts, lists and writing assignments to reinforce positive behavior) was enough of a deterrent to encourage the kids to follow the rules, most of the time anyway. It never stopped them from testing the limits or my patience, of course.
Face it, parenting is hard work, a 24/7 life-long commitment, but make no mistake. It’s also the most important profession on the planet.
We all need to be reminded from time to time to listen to the small voice in our head and heart that says “the way we are doing things is not working”. We must return to a time when good manners and basic respect for all mattered. It still does. It is in respecting others that we also elevate ourselves into a new realm of unlimited possibilities, opening doors instead of closing them. Common sense, don’t you think?
One last thought:
Oh how I miss my beloved little angels, those sweet little faces, all dressed in their new clothes, rushing down the stairs on Easter morning before Mass to see what the “Easter Bunny” put in their baskets! I looked forward every holiday to hearing their precious young voices proclaim (wait for it), “Yuck, I got crappy Mallow Peeps again! Eh, thank you for our baskets, Momma. You can have all my “mallows”.
Sharing is a good thing, a point of etiquette that is important at any age. It took years before they finally caught on to me and my Peep addiction.
Happy Easter, and God Bless, everyone!