(I came across this paper several months ago, languishing in my research files. It sounds like something I had written for a counseling class back in the day. It includes big words, and the spelling was atrocious (Hey, I did clean it up with spellcheck before posting!) The assignment was to respond to a friend as the “ The Protagonist in a Failing Relationship” based on the paragraph below. I may have been a bit dramatic back then (me?), but I think I did get a good grade in the class.)
“My intent, most definitely is to make you feel very uncomfortable, forcing you to question our friendship on every level. I am your advocate, your champion, but I will never allow you (or anyone else) to make me feel inferior to you or your other friendships.
Really, I owe you nothing but the benefit of the doubt. I have absolutely no mandate of conscience to reassure you at every crisis of friendship that I will always attempt to have your best intentions. I pray that you will trust me when it seems to you that I have made one of the bazillion mistakes I make each and every day. If you don’t get that by now, then it is time for me to practice what I teach, and do some questioning on my own.
If someone else says that I maligned you, betrayed a trust, or spoke falsely against you, etc. and you choose to believe them with or without confronting me directly for an explanation or confirmation, then I am within my right to feel that you value their friendship over mine. Otherwise, I believe you would give ME the benefit of the doubt, and approach me for the facts, not use any perception as a weapon against me. Either have the respect in me that I have earned, or chastise me appropriately for jeopardizing our relationship for any infraction you believe I have committed. I am not perfect and try to learn from the mistakes I make.
Human beings make mistakes. “Perceptions” can be false or misleading.
If relationship drama is necessary in your life, you need to know that our friendship becomes a problem in my life. I am not giving you an ultimatum to choose me over someone or something else. Our time on this earth is too limited and precious to squander on relationships that do not respect a peaceful resolution of any stress, discomfort or conflict. I have evolved beyond that, I assure you, and pray that you have as well.
If then, your life is more than you can handle at this time, and you no longer need or want me along for the “ride” (for whatever reason), please have the courage and decency to tell me so. We all naturally progress and evolve, and even good friendships change dramatically. We sometimes lose interest, and place less value on those in our lives who do not keep up the pace, or no longer share our interests and values. Friendships are organic, and sadly, sometimes we just get too busy to nurture the (once) most important people who shared our journey until it is much too late to make amends.
Therefore, you do not have to drive me away through angry words, hurtful actions… or silence. The love and wonderful memories we shared will be safely stored in my heart. I will, despite any decisions we make, always feel love and continue to pray for you, as well as feel the hurt and emptiness your absence in my life may cause.
Praise God that my happiness and good health, and my concern for yours, demand that I have enough self-respect to not debate your decision. Keep in mind that a non-decision is a decision made.”
This was an old assignment for a class many years ago revisited, but the words are the same words I would use today, and will certainly recommend tomorrow if the situation warrants to anyone searching for autonomy for themselves, or dignity in a relationship that has turned sour or is struggling. This dialogue specifically refers to a relationship that one or more partner feels slighted, ignored or taken for granted. Relationships change, and the “good ones” generally keep getting stronger and/or stand the test of time and inevitable change.
Not all relationships are created equal, in fact, no relationship is ever completely equal. Giving respect to another in a relationship might mean “picking up the slack” when necessary, paying it forward for the time the other person needs extra consideration (“Gee thanks, man, I appreciate that. I’ll return the favor, I promise.”) Relationships can still flourish over time and considerable distance if both partners are willing to go “the extra mile” to respect each other’s needs. Obviously it takes true commitment to make a long-distance relationship succeed, but isn’t commitment what being in a relationship all about anyway?.
Dignity is a form of self-love, self-respect and healthy pride that clearly identifies who we are and what we stand for to others. Unless we love ourselves and recognize our own personal worth, no one else will be able to respect or believe us capable/worthy of sustaining a solid, healthy relationship.
Self-love is not “selfish”. Sounds like good common sense, to me.
What do you think?