Stop Lying on Love
“You think before you act, and if the action doesn’t align with love, you don’t do it”. Children test their parent’s patience in the normal process of accepting boundaries that are put in place for their well-being and safety. That’s a fact. Nearly 90 percent of Americans say they were paddled, slapped, spanked or “switched” by their parents (Harris Interactive 2013/poll of 2,286 adults). Good people, in unfair situations will sometimes say and do the wrong things. That’s a fact, too.
Hurtful actions and harsh words last a lifetime.
When I was younger with all the influences and biases of the inexperienced, I learned from loving instruction that the world did not revolve around me. I was also taught that everything I did (or didn’t do) caused a ripple in the universe that affected someone or something else, even if I never saw the immediate effect of my actions.
As I remember, my mother didn’t often say “I love you”, but her nurturing and loving mannerisms proved that she loved me every minute of the day. We clashed at times like all parents and children do. Whenever I was naughty or did something she disapproved of she would say “I’m only doing this because I love you”. Those words usually meant I couldn’t go out to play until I “learned how to act” appropriately. Mom wasn’t a psychologist, but she was pretty smart about human behavior. I didn’t think about discipline being an act of love at the time, but I never, ever doubted her love for me.
Like most children, I always wanted more autonomy. I’d push Mom’s patience to the limit to get my own way until she would respond, sometimes angrily and sometimes with threats that amounted to nothing more than banishment to my room to “think about what I did”. Most of the time all she had to do was stare at me (with “that Mom look”) and I knew I was in deep trouble!
When the consequences were small, my mother allowed me to fail and learn from my mistakes without interference. When the repercussions were harsh or long-lasting, my mother had no problem saying “no” or “you may not do this”… and meaning it!
Only once do I ever remember being slapped for bad behavior (when I took the Lord’s name in vain). I had crossed her un-crossable line, and Mom reacted immediately. I wasn’t hurt, and the slap left no mark, but I was in complete shock. I never saw my mother react like that to anything before, nor did it ever happen again.
Poor Mom was mortified! She apologized to me for days over “losing control”. She made sure that I understood that the slap was her lesson to learn, not mine, and that her action was far worse than my childish misbehavior. Mom offered no lame excuse for what she knew was an inappropriate adult loss of control. The worst part for me was the look on her face as she asked me for forgiveness. It was a mixture of love, embarrassment…and pain. Pain I had caused because of my behavior.
From that one event I learned to respect and trust my mother’s rules, but I also learned to respect myself, and to think before I acted. Children, like adults, are inconsistent beings. We all make mistakes, but we all deserve to be given a second chance. To be forgiven for our transgressions is the greatest gift we can gift to another…and to ourselves.
Not everyone has the benefit of such a wonderful early childhood like I had. In some households, “love” looks an awful lot like hate, especially to a child who already experienced unconditional acceptance and affection, and is of an age to know the difference.
My mother died when I was barely ten years old. By the time I entered high school, I was forced to live with my elder brother after my step-father remarried and acquired a new family. One day without notice or warning, my brother showed up to take me to his house, and that was that. There was no discussion, just “Get your things together. You aren’t wanted here”. When we arrived at my brother’s home, I was still reeling from his comment. I couldn’t help but feel that my presence was an “inconvenience” to my brother and his wife too, particularly to my sister-in-law. She showed her resentment right away by setting unfamiliar rules and unreasonable restrictions with the hollow explanation of “because we love you”.
That was very confusing to me. I was never close to my brother before I moved in, and we barely knew one another. There was also a twenty year age gap to bridge. I guess at the time I assumed I would be loved for no other reason than I was “family”.
My brother and sister-in-law are honest, God-fearing people that were placed in a very unfortunate situation. They certainly provided a roof over my head and nutritious food at regular meal times. I was never physically mistreated. Still, perceptions and feelings “just are” what they are. I felt rejected, abandoned, and “tolerated” most of the time. In the four years I lived with them, never once did I feel loved or taken seriously. I was “needed”, I suppose, to help with my niece and nephews, but I didn’t feel like part of the family.
Like most teenagers, I struggled for more freedoms and didn’t make it easy for them, I’m sure. I acted out, made poor choices and challenged their authority. I was sad and angry a lot, but I wasn’t a juvenile delinquent (I never drank, never took drugs, ran away or had sex). I can imagine I came across as obstinate and very defiant at times. Their response to my rebelliousness was to push back even harder, isolate me from my friends for weeks on end, which made me feel even more indentured and detached. I had little to no control over my life.
I fell “in love” with the first guy I met at my after school job who showed me attention. He was older, graduating from college the day I graduated from high school. After a few years I had enough of his controlling behavior and the excuse “I say this because I love you” just before he berated and belittled me for one thing or another. We once talked about getting married, but deep down, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. The manipulation and humiliation was “familiar”, and I accepted it because I felt it was all that I deserved.
Real transformation requires real honestly. To make a long story short, I miraculously met my husband and knew immediately he was “different”— for all the right reasons. That’s the kind of love I was originally taught, the kind of organic, heartfelt and honest affection that empowers, heals and desires only the best for each other. Almost forty two years and five children later, we are still very much in love. It’s the kind of love we both deserved, and the kind of love we passed onto our children.
Children (and adults) learn what they live. My husband and his loving family helped me to put those tumultuous times into better perspective. I can acknowledge that my sister-in-law was raised in a strict household and had self-esteem issues of her own. My brother was ineffectual as a guardian because he wasn’t prepared or interested in raising a teenager while building a business and taking care of his own family. I was just another responsibility neither of them asked for. To their credit, they did what they had to do when there was no one else to do it. Unfortunately, that’s all they did.
Forgiveness is the only way to move forward, regardless of what happens to you.
It might sound pretentious to say I have long ago forgiven them both for their part during those years, but it took many more years of therapy as an adult to work through the painful memories and humiliation. I also learned to forgive myself for acting out, and accept that I was worthy of love, even back then. I was the child, and they were the adults. I am nobody’s obligation!
Unfortunately, both my brother and sister-in-law have hung onto whatever resentment they felt about that time, and there has been no resolution between us, even after all these years. I will always feel bad about that, and continue to pray for them. I am sincerely thankful for their intervention when I needed a home, but I no longer seek their approval, acceptance or, even love. It is what it is, and I have found peace with it.
That period of my life, however, is a constant reminder to me of what love isn’t.
- Love isn’t an obligation
- Love isn’t an excuse
- Love isn’t always convenient
- Love shouldn’t be painful- physically or mentally
- Love isn’t a consolation or “instead of”
- Love shouldn’t be provisional or conditional
- Love isn’t quantitative (too much/too little)
- Love isn’t a reward, a prize, a possession or bribe
My life has been pretty spectacular compared to some. I truly feel blessed in all ways that matter. I am surrounded by unconditional love each and every day, and I feel very comfortable sharing that love with everyone I meet. I am who I am because of my past, but rest assured, God isn’t finished with me yet!